Family Matters
Do your children think they're less imporant than your ministry?
Scott E. Shaum
As a young college student, and a new follower of Christ, I was amazed to meet so many others who had grown up with a Christian faith. But a peculiar theme began to emerge. Of my peers who had parents in ministry, the number who were disillusioned and hurt startled me. Knowing I was headed for ministry myself, I wanted to know what had caused these young adults to be so disenfranchised.
When I asked around, I heard two common responses. One was that there was the dad they saw on Sunday at church and a different dad they experienced the rest of the week. This incongruence first caused confusion, then later, anger. A second response was that the parents had all the time in the world for those they ministered to but not for their kids. Kids walked away with the assumption that ministry was more important to their parents than children were.
I was determined to avoid such damaging mistakes with my own kids. Along the way, here are some things I have learned as my wife and I raise three sons now in their 20’s and teens.
Be present. Turn off the cell phone and computer, put down the book, and be with the kids. Designated family time is just that; do not allow things to infringe on it. But go deeper. What are you doing together–merely watching TV? Are you engaging your spouse at a heart level? Do you eat dinner together? Do you have designated times with each child? Do you know what is troubling your children? What are you talking about together? Are you journeying well with your spouse and kids?
Make what’s important to them important to you. I have often struggled here. I have made a lot of Lego forts with my boys–when I’d rather have been reading a book. Even though I get slaughtered, I will play Xbox with the boys during their designated computer times. This is a point of simple servanthood. Be a kid with your kid. Hang out with your teen. Be available to your spouse.
Demonstrate humility. I must be the first to say, “I was wrong. Please forgive me.” Many adults today have no idea how to have healthy conflict. My wife and I fight well–no name-calling, no sarcasm, no dredging up the past. We talk through the issues and do not avoid them. We forgive. Our boys are watching. We expect the same from them when they get into it. And when I mess up–overreact or say something insensitive–I must own it. It is amazing how many of my peers claim they never heard their dad say, “I’m sorry.”
Be willing to delay career advancement. This is a tough one. Be willing to hold back in your career to be more available to the family. Too many parents are marching up the ladder and leaving the family behind. Once you are older and a little wiser, you can go out and conquer the world. Make your finest investment in raising the next generation of Christ-followers.
Is it proper to seek to have a lasting impact in our community if we are not doing so well at home? It’s too easy to use “ministry” to dodge the harder work of intimacy in the home. We must begin with the prior stewardship of our own marriages and children. The family matters.
Author Scott E. Shaum is on staff with Barnabas International and is involved in coaching developing leaders.
